if you die in wii sports resort you die in real life

(Source : sciencefucker)



I fell asleep with my butt plug in and I woke up and I was like ‘shit where is it’ and the entire thing was in my ass like byeeee


(via crimewave420)


*sips some lean* the stock market is terrible

*smokes blunt* cant believe these taxes

(Source : mercedesesquivel)

Tags: girl flowers sfw

(Source : yugensenpai)


mermaid: bae come over i’m bored

me: i cant breathe underwater

mermaid: i’m off my period

me: image

  • customer: can you break $100
  • me: sure *karate chops the $100 bill in half*
  • customer: haha epic
  • president obama: *bursts thru door* you can't do that to money
  • me: really
  • obama: yeah
  • me: well my older brother said that he ripped a $100 bill in half once and took it to the bank and was like "I accidentally ripped off part of these two $100 bills so can I have $200 dollars" and they were like "yeah"
  • obama: whoa damn
  • me: yeah
  • obam: prolly should'nt have told me that tho lol
  • me: haha yeah
  • me: well hey man I'm sorry, would you mind gettin a quick pic with me
  • customer: give me your phone I'll take it
  • me: thanks



please remember to shower and brush your teeth